#god also i really didnt understand the testimony thing

[beddybugs]

fckn honestly ??? prob the worst dw Christmas special e v e r fellas

[lucacangettathisass]

lailoken testimonial

so anyone who’s been in the witchblr/diviningblr (is that a thing???) circle(s) long enough will no doubt come across @lailoken in some form or another. i of course am no exception. ive been following them for a while, and find their posts informative and interesting as they often touch on aspects of witchcraft that ive never heard of or considered, and we all love learning new things! but one of the things lailoken is well known for is their divination, which is what this testimonial is about.

ive been struggling recently and i wanted an outside perspective, and after reading so many glowing testimonials, i decided to go ahead an ask lailoken if they would be willing to take me on as a client!

the first thing you all need to know is just how nice, understanding, and thorough lailoken is! being a first timer i had no idea what their process or routine was, and they explained to me and how expensive certain add ons (like diviners sage) would be, and stressed to me that the more expensive options weren’t necessary if they were out of my budget. but i was feeling daring and i really wanted to give this a proper shot so i said ‘fuck it’ and went with the whole package; card reading and scrying with diviner’s sage. while i myself read tarot (also learning lenormand, sibilla, oracle, and gonna get into playing cards), scrying wasnt something i had ever tapped into, largely because of my own self doubts but that’s for a different post lmao. i had also never heard of diviner’s sage and thought it would be neat to see how it helped! now it was a little pricey, esp for someone who is still looking for work (sobs) and has to convert everything into their country’s less valuable currency (sobs more), but as someone who does paid tarot readings i understand the importance of charging for one’s time and skill, and lailoken was fully open to me paying in installments rather than all in one go, something that brought up right at the beginning before i even asked!

with that out of the way, onto the reading itself!

now my question was “are the gods of the egyptian pantheon interested in working with me?” (yes i was an ancient egypt kid no i will not apologize for it), however i didnt phrase it like that. i said a ‘certain pantheon’, as i wasnt sure how vague or detailed lailoken wanted me to be. when they asked for specifics i did say egypt and they mentioned getting an instinct on it being kemetic related, and that’s when i Knew.

there isnt anything about my blog, whether it be my url, theme, or anything like that, that would in any way hint towards that, and the last post i made about kemiticism was a good while ago and buried under all sorts of unrelated posts, so for lailoken to get that feeling was definitely a sign to me. they said they would do the reading on the 6th of jan their time (which would be the 7th my time), they would take notes, and then report back to me. i cannot tell you how excited i was. it was like counting down the days to christmas. the anticipation only added to it, and as the day got closer i felt fit to burst.

yesterday i got the report and let me tell you, it was everything i wanted and more!

i wont go into too much detail as i dont know how much lailoken wants to me to share, but what they saw in their vision connected with me in a big way, and pointed towards one deity in particular that had already tried to reach out to. there were symbols i was familiar with and ones i wasnt, but made sense in the overall context. and combined with the cards, it answered my question so thoroughly that i was literally overjoyed. my entire upper body happy stimmed (im on the autism spectrum so that happens a fair bit) for a bit, and my left hand in particular was having a good time, it stimmed for more than ten minutes, and i truly cannot remember the last time i was that happy. it was such an enlightening and positive experience, telling me what i needed to hear not what i wanted to hear, which to me is what’s most important. they told me what i need to do in order to achieve a greater connection with the pantheon, and the one deity i contacted in particular, and everything feels so much clearer now! i know what needs to be done, and i know that i can do it.

this truly was one of the greatest readings ive ever had, and ive had a fair few good ones. if you are wondering where to go for divining, or if you should take the plunge and go to lailoken, i absolutely recommend it. theyre kind, informative, patient, honest, and upfront. there are every bit as strong in character as they are in divining ability.

thank you so much again lailoken! you can def expect my ass to come back for another reading in the future!

[the-blackest-blue]

Touched

If you read any of my other posts... you might see ive been going through some things. Hearing voices, depression, anxiety, most recently (though i have not wrote about it but i will, pmdd)and TBI. I.was baptized in 2015 and honestly it felt like it was on a whim.. but i was not seeing the desired results from all the cyrstals , candles, "manifesting" and the like of other satanic crap i used to do. i was rasied with jesus but also the worldly understanding of this. As a child i would read the bible all night until i fell asleep, i feel i would talked to God constantly, but when teens hit i got drawn into the world of magic thinking it was some sort of "good". i wanted to help people and do "good" it seemed only natural. year later after years of addiction and almost lossing ny life i still didnt see that witchcraft was the big problem. i was craving that sense of sanity i had growimg up. plus my grandmother was the person to introduce me to jesus when i was young and when i went back to michigan that introduction was what fueled me to rememeber that God is(was) goodness. More recently dealing with the consequence of a life full of both bad choices and uncontrollable outside cirumstance, The goodness of God has been the only thing at has kept me from certain death. I have tried to kill myslef, been through some abuse, had some serious mental health issues and his mercy has kept me through it all... and trust me it has not been easy. More recently i have been seeing a pyschologist and even through it has its moments of being helpful, it still leaves much to be desired. I have been using prayer amd therapy in combination but the moment i take prayer out of the situation it becomes lack luster. God is the true healer in my life. My current situations with PMDD, has been a horrifying battle the past two years if i am guessing right about the time. but the past 6months have been maybe the worse of them all, loss of friends, having a hard time comepleting school work, work work, feeling suicidal, depressed, axious and a whole host of negative things. Alot of which mimic The TBI symptoms equally if not worse. After about a year of therapy i have been talking,praying and hoping for some relief. i was standing on the platform waiting on the train... the voices are screaming and im sad and angry... and i was just tired of being this way... in my heart i screamed that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. And i tell you what i felt a light come on, a cool fire if you will in my chest and it became visible to me a chruch in the distance, a giant cross. God had heard my screams, i was so filled with joy for the first time in months. i felt light and happy. Im so greatful he come to my rescue, i had seeked every remedy i could and tried to deal with things throughout these years but none of them has brought me true JOY like the love of Christ!! i had started working out dealing with rejection, and i beileve God has been sending me angels to help me feel more seen and understood, i had a few really great days after this, feel like im underattack with sadness and darkness some times and even if i cant be happy every day within Jesus gave me hope on that platform that day. i just wanted to share this. If you have made it to the end May God touch your heart the way he touched mine. I still have stuff to work out but im starting to realize im not alone. and thats a great feeling. thats it for now #jesus

#testimony #hope #mentalwellness #pmdd #god #changed

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[lacedsposts-blog]

Everyone Deserves To Be Happy.

How to be thankful for your journey.

I am a standing , living testimony that you can go through tragedy, loss of a child or parent, physical abuse, and so much more sorrow that life has to hold. But i also want to tell others, who may be suffering now..that it can get better. There is hope and a light at the end of your dark tunnel..and that there is purpose God wants you to find in your pain.

I'm not sharing my story because I want pity or attention. I've never wanted to make anyone feel bad for my first 30 yrs of life. It took me that long to figure out how to explain it to my damn self..but I am a walking talking truth.

My story is almost unbelievable and I am not asking you to try to do the same things I have. But i swear these stories are honest to Gods mercy and love the best i can explain.

I have always battled drugs. As a kid, i always felt lost.. Like i didnt really belong anywhere. I found friends with drugs..or at least i felt like i belonged.

I met the father of my daughter early in my senior year. A month later, i was pregnant. Boom!! Life changed. By prom time i was married, had no clue what i was doing, and had zero idea what or how to take care of a baby inside my belly. I was so ugly. I thought that my Hailey was the end of my fun life. I resented giving up all i thought i had because i had been so careless with my future.

Things got worse, my new husband was just a couple years older than I and he had no clue about life either. But as i began to grow my bump, feel the baby move..you know, really start to understand what a gift God had given me. When i accepted and began to love that little person inside me...well it was stripped from me.

On July 20, 2002. I gave birth to my sweet angel..Hailey Danielle. She was only a little over 1 pound. I could feel her move until I pushed her out. She died minutes later..

There is no greater feeling of despair. Of guilt and self blame. I have an incompetent cervix..the Dr's voices were blocked out by total gut wrenching blame and failure. I have never been so hopelessly lost. No matter what anyone said..i was her protector and i was guilty of not wanting her. I was being taught this lessson, i thought. I was inconsolable.

I look at pictures of myself after Haileys death..it is a photo of a struggling soul. I almost completely had a breakdown. I locked myself in a room and refused anyone and everyone who tried to offer words..love or support. I didn't even sleep for 3 days..until we finally laid her to rest.

Now im not sure about other mother's but i was a wreak..at the private service i layied on the ground next to her little white coffin..the pastor could not raise his voice over the wailing. Ive only heard that sound twice since that day. I was completely distrout.

That was the moment my grandfather knelt down beside me. He gave me the best advice anyone has ever given me on being adult and mother. He said," The day that God takes us home is the best day of your life. You will never know the worry for her soul..because she is in heaven. We should thank God for his mercy always." He looked at me and squeezed me tight.."now..sis you get up in this chair and stop behaving like you dont know you will see her again. Sit and behave like the mother God wants you to be." He is the only peron who i allowed to touch me. But I did as he said.

I never like to call people after a loss. I know that saying I'm sorry is not practical or kind. Nor do i tell others that it will get better..because i dont want to lie to them. I can only assure them what my Pop told me. We will only be apart for a time.

I wish i could tell you that i got better. But that would too..be a lie. The next few years i didnt try to feel anything. I punished myself. I just wanted to get it over with. I had the reoccurring dreams of giving birth and watching her die over and over.

I didn't understand how God could give me something to rip it back and leave me nothing but all that guilt and regret. I was for sure i was being punished for my bad thoughts of Hailey. For not wanting her. That's still a big pill to swollow.

I just want to stop my story here because i want you all to know that guilt and regret will kill u from the inside out.

Hailey would have been 16 yrs old this last July. To everyone else it was so long ago and all that stuff. Not to me. It was the day i would have taken her to get her driver's license. It would have been an important day for her.

I know know after all these years that Haileys trip back home was between God and Hailey. Im not saying i dont have guilt still deep inside..its a big hole. Its always there..you just have to learn to live around it. To trust that God knows best. It was not easy. But i love her everyday. I look forward to meeting her in heaven one day.

It took me a long time..i dealt with the trama in every wrong way. I had even had my son. Even after finally succeeded in caring a heathy baby..i had a hard time accepting the truth. I ended up in rehab..thank God!

I wrote Hailey and told her goodbye and any thing i wanted her to know. I had to stop carrying around her when God had seen fit to make me a mother again. I had to realize that God loved me and Hailey. Her purpose in this life was over.

I still talk to her. My brain wanders sometimes..what would she look like..who would she be?? But i have to be Noahs mom now...forgiveness is one of GOD'S mercies. I had to forgive myself. And give that time in my early life a bit of grace.

I tell this story because its mine to bear. After all this time i want to maybe just help or be there for others who were just like me. Because instead living life unable to feel grace and understanding that we are a special group of strong people. I dont ever want anyone to feel as alone and lost as i have found myself. I know its hard..but god does not make mistakes..he has still got plans for you. Be someones light in the darkness!!

I honor Hailey instead of grieve for my angel. I honor her at St. Judes Hospital. I make as much money as i can for the March of Dimes Premature Babies..

I honor the little life that changed mine. I am thankful for her part in my journey. I hope u can see it in your hearts to do the same!!

Please if u have an angel baby in heaven comment their name..lets give our loss purpose and hope!!

Stay tuned...because theres alot more to my story i hope to share!!!

Love y'all...blesss you!

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[jamiedodgerart]

the fade is a liar sometimes

aka, a really long post about how mal hawke survived dragon age inquisition. warning for big but kinda vague spoilers for dai and mentions of alcoholism

ok full disclosure i dont know how he survived the fade. but im thinking the nightmare like. didnt wake back up in time to block the way through the portal, and so never caused the Do I Kill The Warden Or Hawke dilemma. cos. that was kiiiiiiiinda bullshit. 

i had to pick between alistair and mal. and i really didnt want mal to be actually really dead bc at the time of here lies the abyss he’d be in a really shitty place, mentally, and i didnt want him to just! die! without resolving that! so i gave canon the finger and concocted a convoluted plan to give mal a better ending

background, after the events of da2, he ended up leaving kirkwall and fuckin’ around in the woods for a bit. i imagine he was helping refugees get out for a little while, until anders showed up and convinced him to help groups of renegade mages/circles on the verge of winning their independence. at this point he was pretty sick of the world at large, didn’t know what he wanted or where he was going to go next, and let himself be (guided? directed? pushed around?) by anders, drinking himself into oblivion and generally feeling like garbage. he fell out of contact with most of his remaining friends and began convincing himself that he was guilty for the explosion, by trusting anders (he’d suspected something was wrong with the ingredients anders was asking for and confronted him about it, but trusted him and helped him by distracting the grand cleric)

i rambled about this on my private twitter but mal and anders... ended up not being a great fit for one another and past me said it better than present me can

eventually, the inquisition came into being and grew in power. anders, still being a wanted man and mal too by association, avoided the inquisition’s patrols pretty easily. but stories started to spread about the inquisitor and his... particularly creative justice. see, pica really likes choices that have some poetic irony to them that also focus on rebuilding (he had alexius work for the mages, stuff like that), generally avoids executions, and is pretty chill with mages. the inquisition is also independent of any government, really, and is about as impartial as you can get in thedas. so when mal gets word from varric that corypheus is back, a problem, and something they need mal’s help with (that is also, in his professional opinion, his fault), he gets an idea.

he heads to skyhold, meets pica (who read the tale of the champion, asks varric questions about it constantly, was expecting a hero, and was not expecting the hero to be a depressed alcoholic) and iunno here lies the abyss happens with the aforementioned edit of no one important dying (i guess i could kill alistair and preserve a kind of important turning point in pica’s character with an added bonus of giving mal another thing to have survivor’s guilt about but i dont think i could go through with it. imagine the emotional toll. pica could get that change some other way anyway) mal by this point has gotten to know pica fairly well and has found what he’s heard to be true, and gives him a proposition

(i would like to add now that while ive read asunder, until i looked it up just now i didn’t remember where it sits in the timeline relative to da2, and it wasnt super clear to me just how much each of the two events affected the mage/templar war. so some text in sketches might be inaccurate, historically)

so you can imagine that anders is Pissed Off by this development, but justice is kinda like 

cos like. pica Is a real actual authority figure. who is down to dispense some quality justice esp re mages. and is coming at it from a “yo i know you meant well and you did kinda have a point but you also killed a lot of people so there does have to be Some kind of consequence of that”

(but neither of them are at all happy with mal turning them in)

anyway the trial ends up including a full investigation of the events in kirkwall, as well as the events at the spire (cole, rhys, and evangeline all give their testimony) and it’s more a straightening out of what was up with the whole start of this shitshow anyway, cos the confusion and misinformation about it is probably the worst part. 

pica finds anders guilty and sentences him to community service, which a lot of people disagreed with. pica thinks it was a GREAT IDEA though because that community service comes in the form of anders teaching the inquisition mages about healing magic!! something that anders is good at, loves doing, and can actually help people with!! why are we still fuckin about with herbs when there’s magic!!!!! this also has the added bonus of making mages less scary to the general populace- chuckin’ fireballs is a lot more alien and intimidating than healing up a broken arm, yknow? it can help mages seem more human and good for society than they were, separated from the public in towers.

anders is still a prisoner, though, which hes super not happy about, and part of his sentence is also that dagna gets to study him. he and samson are in grudging solidarity in the face of tolerating her extreme cheerfulness. and maybe he gets a cat too. i wonder if he and samson could talk about how shitty the chantry is re: lyrium addiction in templars? its obvs not on the scale of mage shittiness but it could be an interesting discussion

see in the grand scheme of things mal really didnt do all that much. he was duped by a lover into doing something he 100% would not have done if hed known what was actually going on. i feel like the most anyone could bust him on was aiding and abetting. and maybe helping hide an apostate. mal was found, as pica informally put it while distracted by looking at a transcript of a kirkwall templar’s testimony, “kinda guilty? just like. if ur asked to help blow up a chantry dont do it again” but cassandra elbowed him really hard and he said “look ok your sentence is, fuck, i dunno, work for the inquisition. what do you wanna do”

that was not what mal was expecting and he didnt have an answer. and pica looked at him and said “ill give you some time to figure it out, ok. just. take care of yourself, man. u look like shit” which got him another elbow, which he returned to cass with equal force

anyway. mal is now officially Not Guilty in the court of the law. which fuckin sucks bc that assessment does absolutely NOTHING to stop his shit brain from keeping being guilty about everything. so he tries to quit drinking, fails, and just has a rough time in general, while also sometimes visiting anders in prison. which probably really doesn’t help.

ENTER WARDEN-COMMANDER OF FERELDAN, MADRANA “MAD” TABRIS, AND HER PARTNER/GF/ADULT SUPERVISION EMMARIE “EMMY” COUSLAND

(you may also know mads as hester, as i called her in previous playthroughs. hester’s not a really elfy name and shes grown far enough away from her namesake that i felt a change was warranted. also emmy was created by @1500birds. i love her)

thats them (mads then emmy) so mad tabris, legendary fighter, unkillable blight-ender, bather in darkspawn blood, and general bottle covey is looking for a challenge. its been like ten years since shes had an actually hard battle to win and she’s near skyhold, and she’s heard that mal hawke, another legendary fighter, is also in the area. oh and some cadash guy. hes apparently good too. also, she’s looking for some way out of the whole grey warden death sentence thing. shes not keen on dying unless she’s killed, ydig, and apparently skyhold’s doing a lot of groundbreaking research these days

she and emmy swing on in to skyhold and finds that hawke is, well, a mess

important background. mads is not good at dealing with other peoples’ emotions. so shes not really equipped to deal with this. emmy, however, is kind, has nerves of steel, loves to help people, and is Very equipped to deal with this. and so the two of them adopt mal. (even though hes older than both of them.) 

theyve got really, really different ways of trying to help mal. emmy is a great listener, and understands survivor’s guilt and the lost-all-my-family brand of trauma pretty well. she helps him sort through all the shit that’s happened to him and offers a lot of support. and hugs. by god shes a hugger. also theyve got a symbiotic cuddling relationship bc emmy is always cold and mal is always warm, so they platonically nap together sometimes. mads is unfortunately too wriggly and pointy to be a good cuddler :’( she squeezes in the mix sometimes anyway though and it’s uncomfortable but nice

mads’s method of helping mal is in her area of expertise: getting out pent-up negative emotion by fighting. for a long time, mal has internalized a lot of shit, and mads is really good at annoying him into either yelling or punching out that shit. shes doing it out of concern for his well-being, she swears, and not because she takes joy in pissing people off. she does but thats not the point. it’s not a perfect strategy but it does help a lot

unfortunately for her, sometimes mal can be downright vindictive when drunk and angry, and can hit on the few things she’s insecure about

(i would really love to make a post about mads sometime, cos she ended up being a lot deeper of a character than i originally intended. i really just wanted a really sharp angry lady who fought with the subtlety of a brick to the face, and ended up getting that plus bravado covering up a whole host of insecurities. i feel like i should finish dao before writing it up though ahah)

(what mal said is also not totally accurate- mads cares very much for emmy. but yknow how when things get heated it doesn’t really matter if they’re really accurate anymore- they just have to be close enough to get a reaction, ydig)

anyway! the two of them together help mal get his life back in order- he cuts down and eventually quits drinking, starts taking better care of himself, and gets more of a handle on life. i guess you’re probably wondering where varric is, right around now. so am i mal pushed away a lot of people close to him after da2, including varric. but varric kept looking out for him (lying to cassandra to protect him, using his network of contacts to keep an eye on where he and anders were operating). when mal comes to skyhold i think he’d try to avoid varric out of guilt- yknow how when it’s been a really long time since you’ve talked to someone, and you know you should have called them back, but you never did, and they kept asking how you were, and you want to be in an actually good place before you call them back, but shit keeps happening, and it’s been like two years since youve said anything to them, and then you see them and do some serious acrobatics trying to stay out of their sight so you don’t have to confront their honest interest in your well-being that they have no right to still have after so long with no word from you, and you have to make it seem like you havent been avoiding them because that would be rude, and really it’s just easier to be constantly vigilant of where they are and make sure youve got plausible reason to be leaving casually yet quickly

well mal did that. emmy had to physically bar his way from escaping a room once when varric came in, and dragged him by the scruff of the neck to talk to him. varric was painfully understanding and ended up hitting it off nicely with emmy

so! someday mal gets a job. specifically, pica gives him one. because he still owes the world some community service. with his experience as a hunter and highwayman, he becomes a scout!

whoaaa color

more specifically, mal becomes a... specialized type of scout. some idiot who shall not be named but whose name sounds a whole lot like pica cadash gave him command of a small squad of scouts, heavier armored and armed than average inquisition scouts but not heavy enough to count as infantry soldiers. their job is to dismantle highwayman and rogue mercenary bands, in whatever way necessary. so! originally this was supposed to mean sneak attacks on their strongholds or whatever, but mal talked with him about his own experiences with crime (mostly that most people in his crew back then were in it out of necessity, and needed money to support family) and the squad kind of became. really heavy recruiters. it became kind of a joke that the inquisition would take anyone- and they would! practically any skillset could be used in an organization as big as the inquisition, and at this point it was still growing

like. barely any exaggeration here

so that’s where he is pre-trespasser! thank u for reading and if youve got questions or want to learn more PLEASE ask i lov my ocs and love talking about them

i want to add that in @1500birds‘s latest playthrough (miranda trevelyan, a pro-chantry mage cullenmancer) mal rags on cullen endlessly

that was supposed to be the playthrough where he survives the fade, but then bran realized that miranda would kinda hate mal and would 100% leave him behind

[lostinruans]

"If you had one last meal, who are the three people you would want to share it with?"

(Background)

Tonight my friends and I decided to go check out Metro Presb's College Group. We had checked out their Sunday service a bit over a month (?) ago and really liked the praise, the message, the vibes as well as the atmosphere of familiarity and warmth and hospitality. Everyone was very chill and welcoming and friendly, but did not cross borders in terms of being cringey or overly invasive or intimidating. As a result, we wanted to also check out the CG for the sake of experiment, experience, as well as furthering our understanding and growth in terms of fellowship, prayer, and knowing God through people and study. It was a group larger than what I was used to, but it was not suffocating or overwhelming like other settings may be; it was a cozy, enthusiastic, modest group of college students and whatnot. But that brings us to the main purpose of this post...

After eating and before starting a quick bible devotional and mini bible study, we did a small ice breaker. Usually, icebreakers can be quite underwhelming or boring or just awkward, but it was quite spicy and mind whetting. The question, aside from name and school and year, was something along the lines "If you had one last meal, who are the three people you would want to share that meal with? Dead, Alive, whatever. Who are the three people?" We didn't really talk about why, but we did giggle and laugh or say "aw" and "mmm," and even mention like what we would want to share. Of course ya boy had to think about it seriously and was getting confused and flustered as to what to say as people shared and the thoughts progressed. Of course me, being indecisive af, couldn't decide between certain people or choose between dimsum or KBBQ, but the people were what got me more triggered. And don't get me wrong, of course I dont mean any hard feelings or less feelings for people I didnt share or mention about, but yeah...

My answer for the three people I would share a final meal with would be (1) my mother, (2) my church's assistant pastor, aka the collge pastor, aka the youth pastor, aka my mentor, and (3) I couldnt decide between either my counselor/mentor from high school or Job from the bible. And so we talk about who, but we didnt really talk about "why," and I'm not sure if it's because it'd take too long, it'd be too personal and intimate, or they just didnt want to. And I understood that we still got hints and assumptions of people's personalities and stories from the people, but yeah the "why" factor I guess didnt hit until maybe later as we talked and shared and prayed and fellowshipped together. But yeah so, imma just explain my answers.

I would want to share my last meal with my mother because I love her. I fail at loving her a majority of the time, I fail to be patient and caring and graceful with her. I find it hard to understand her at times and I often question her words and choices or even her hesitance for some things. But the purpose of me choosing her is because SHE loved ME unconditionally and unendlessly. I am extremely grateful and undeserving of her. She pushes me to do better, but she also lets me be who I want to be. She helps me even though I somemtimes even avoid trying to do work or help her. She waits for me even though I am barely even thinking about waiting for her in the moment and can only think of my own tiredness and weakness and laziness. Ya know, typical cheesy peasy. And there are so many people who do not have the greatest relationships with their mother or parents, or there are parents who just suck at being parents and parental figures, or there are just places of misunderstanding and lack of listening and empathy. But I'm not saying my relationship with my other is all rainbows and unicorns and sunshine, but I'd say she is a great woman and great mother, and I love her and try to love her at the end of every day.

I would want to share my last meal with my mentor and college pastor, Wayne. I barely knew Wayne a fear years ago, he was a stranger, he was just an older guy who talked and questions and drove us. I'd say it's probably only been like 4 ish years that i've known him, but overtime it's been a long ride.. I don't even remember how we got into the gist of being mentor and mentee or how we got to know each other more or how we got to be "closer." But yeah, it's been a wild ride and still is a wild ride. Wayne hasn't really changed much, other than telling more jokes and stories or having a bit more sass and sarcasm from hanging out with the members of the church, the youth, and the college kids I guess? But I think the change has mostly been with me, with my mood and depression and struggles with identity just shapeshifting and flipping and switching randomly. My feelings are quite inconsistent and amorphous and it's been both tough and easy on me just trying to live and breathe and exist. But yeah, I think having Wayne there whether it was planned, random, or reluctant for me to meet with him has been helpful. Especially as I began to try to be more honest and open with him, I've been appreciative of having him being there for me as I fought with my faith and my feels and with people. I think he's definitely one of the people who has showed so much love and grace that exemplified God's gifts and blessings to the point that I couldnt do much except accept it. And Idk. I still have lots of moments where I swerve him or get intimidated because I don't really know what to say or share with him, but he's always worried and caring and wholehearted in his conversations and notices when I am down or confused or just somewhere else. And I think that makes him a huge role model, mentor, father figure, and friend to me, and I would want to see him in my last moments or if I were to go elsewhere. And I feel like some people have even felt the sense of impact when I shared about who I'd eat with, that some people and the

The last one gets kinda tricky. I wanted to say something wholesome, but I also didn't want to be like throwing shade or comparing even though no one knew the other people I was talking about. But yeah, last one I said I couldnt choose between my youth group counselor/mentor/friend dude (Charles) or Job from the bible. I would choose Charles because, like wayne, we've also randomly been through a lot of conversations and experiences and such. Although, for Charles I haven't been completely honest or wholesome in my intentions and conversations with him. Honestly, I haven't really been honest with him until recently, and I think it's helping our relationship as friends, college. and brother grow a bit more even thogh we don't see each other much. But we also kinda started off at wrong terms because at first I was really enthused by the fact that I'd have someone to talk and fellowship and pray with one on one, but I kinda lost hope and trust because of youth group specificities, but that's an old and other story!... But yeah, we've mostly been through thick and hurtful and quiet instances, but I still try to appreciate him and learn more about him and want to meet with him even though he's busy with almost everything possible with adulting except for children (for now) and he is important to me as well as my faith.

But I also kinda would wanrt to talk with Job from the Bible. So in the Bible, they talk about this dude named Job. And Job kinda had it all, he has land he had a wife he had kids he was doing pretty well and had plenty to live with and live for. But then one day, Satan and God are just kinda having a convo and Satan's like aye, I bet Job would stumble or turn away if he was living in the rough. And so they kinda just test Job to see if his faith would last. And they did everything from like taking his family, his kids, his everything away from him. Literally everything except for his own body and being. And that's probably rough af because I get super dramatic if I like lose a snapchat streak, or money, or a job, or something smaller. But anyways, Job, after losing it all, just strips down naked, sprinkles dust on his head and sits... Like just existing. And his "Friends" come over and they're just trying to like comfort but lowkey criticize him like question if maybe his faith wasn't strong, or wasn't right, or whatever. And at the end, Job kind of confesses how he feels but ultimately sticks with God's plan and purpose and how God works and thinks (at least I think so). And so idk. Eventually God restores his things, his family, his people and stuff. And idk, i think I would just want to talk with Job before I died/if I were to die because I would want to know how he stayed faithful and continued to love and trust God even in the deepest, shittest moments. Like if everything was gone, how could he still keep his head looking up to the heavens? And usually I'd respond so such things with a "well that's now how i feel" or "thats not my situation." Especially when other people share testimonies about hpw they used to be hardcore muslim and their family disowned them, or their parents or child died, etc. But Idk, idk why I was tempted and pressured to say something Biblical and "wholesome," but it also felt right from within my heart to say "Job."

But yeah. Who knows. That was such a tricky, lowkey intense icebreaker question. But yeah. LOL idk.just blurbing and posting just for the sake of letting my thoughts spill out for abit. vvv spicy.

[asinnerslife]

A SINNERS TESTIMONY     I gambled my life with  quick fixes I worshiped what the world  can offer an grew accepting to its wrongful ways and  eventually became empty/purpose  less Why is it the things we buy can never give us true contentment?  Why  the careers we put our lives into never seem to fulfill our true  purpose of life? Why friends you trust most were  never truly your friends? Why  do we self medicate through drugs Alcohol and  material things?  and all the others ways  of escaping the truth? You ask yourself why because the answer  is never clear, never there  and never absolute. But the truth is drowned out by excuses, self pity, and  denial. Our weaknesses enslave us to a troubled mind and an empty heart. I know  this well because it comes from not my own understanding but the  understanding Christ has given me. I also know this  well because it was a way I  choose to live, who I became, my faulted purpose. Throughout my life, even as a  child, I took refuge upon my weaknesses. I didn’t feel  like going to school, so I  didn’t do it. I didn’t feel like going to bed, so I stayed up. I didn’t feel  like taking responsibility so I didn’t . there was not structure going up  an This is how I  justified my actions, and my coping mechanisms later down the road…    MY  CHILDHOOD     as far back as i can  remember i grew up in a house along side my nan my dads mother  me and her were close we  used to do everything together she used to always take me places and buy me  things anything i needed i  would just go next store an ask and 9 times out of 10 she would hand it to me or  give me the money for it.. growing  up i was mostly at her house and playing baseball on a team i was always playing  sports with the guys and sleeping over there  house and just doing guy things even though i was a girl i never grew up around  girls or really had girls that were friends,  as years passed my nan she used to be a worry bug i remember every night i slept  over she would always look out her window  because she didn’t want something to happen she was very cautious and always watched me threw the window when i played outside with the boys  and she would always yell if she lost sight of me she would yell for me and i  would always have to worry about her watching me and me and  my bestfriend Sal we would be out until the street lights came on and she would  be out there yelling as soon as it got dark nothing would get  by her ..    SCHOOL  LIFE from kinder care that  little red school house i always remembered going to lol funny how you can  remember things and the simple things you cant  remember but my schooling i never  really paid attention i was everywhere and as i grew older the school work became  harder and i really didn’t have any help with my  homework had my nan maybe my  parents helped me out with it but mostly i remember i had a tutor and that stage  of my life is pretty blurry to remember …but entering   high school that year of 7th grade  became really bad it was from 7-12 grade at cocoa and it was a mix of kids and  of course i fell with some bad people and i started fighting  an talking back to the  teachers and for that school year i basically sat more in the police officers  office and in iss then i did in the classroom office ripole was her  name she would always have to  come get me from class because i would act out or not listen… in school not  sure what school i was at but i was around 15 i got a random call for  me to come to the office  and my mom was there and the look on her face was just spooked like i knew  something was wrong and she held back tears from me and i was holding my slip to  go home and she told me in  the van that my nan was in the hospital and she wasn’t sure if she would make it  or not…. my heart sunk i didnt know why something could happen to  her i never knew anything  could happen to us i was so naive to the fact we could die and in the van on the  way to the hospital a country song came on by mark wills one more day with you..  it spoke about how we wish to have one more day with our loved ones who  passed an etc…. well on top of that and having issues in school they told my  mom to basically pull me out beforethey expell me and i  couldn’t go to any school in the county so she took me out       THE BEGINING TO PROBLEMS   My nan passed away  4-8-02 of a heart attack/ heart problems i lost someone who used to watch over  me 24/7 even when we was asleep she would have a light on or something on so she  could always see what was going on..  i knew she had bad heart burn but she would always just say she had bad acid she  wouldn’t tell me much more but after her passing i took a down hill spiral i got  a dui at age 15i got arrested but let  go to my sister i spent over 10k on probation and classes to take and i lost my  license over 5 yrs because the dui and driving without no license  that was just the  beginning to my problems . .i had curfew in the county i was in and i used to  always get picked up and taken home by the   police and they would always tell me Ms. Calvert your young we don’t want to see  you in jail when your older you need to start listening or this will be your  life. Of course i ignored all that who cared right? all i  could see and remember is how i last looked at my nan before the night she  passed away she looked at me and smiled her smirk and i just looked at her evil  and looked down an just wanted to know why she was smiling in  that time … my younger days i spent in a daze i wasted away in a trap the  devil set for me ..after my dui i was always in the ” hood” i thought that was  the cool place to be at 15yrs old running the streets  smoking drinking nothing could phase me right.. wrong… alcohol is truly the  essence of evil the devil sets upon the weak.. in my eyes…so after the passing  of my nan i got a tattoo on my forearm of praying hands with faith  written. Because she used to read me some of her black bible before bed but i  wouldn’t pay much mind to it     MY ADULT  LIFE from 18yrs old till  current problems just stacked  with more problems and the only people i had and felt safe to talk to was my  friends because god forbid i tell my dad or someone anything we didn’t have that  closeness my sister could open up more with them not me i  felt because every time something arises it was me getting yelled out for  something so i shut off that communication and seeked it else were… i continued  to keep partying i used to go out every tue and Thursday for free drinks  and yes i would drink underage because i had older friends that snuck me  drinks..i used to spend weekends and weeks in Miami and Miami beach i lost my  job because partying became my job the person i was staying with was a big  drug dealer and we used to go to the best clubs there in hit vip and she would  always buy me drinks and anything i wanted i saw so many walks of life … at  one point i saw how bad drugs can take someone i was around them so i  continued that..i got in some trouble for driving with a suspended again and had  to do community service at a church… they would judge me of course because  they knew why i was there and i remember always  wondering why people go to church  just to judge like i never had god in my life so i didn't understand any of that  …so after that i continued and soon after that things become bad i was kind of  locked up if you want to say as my grandpa was in the hospital dying  literally and my probation officer knew i drove to my probation and she was  calling the cops on me so the held me and i called my mom as she was on her way  to the hospital to come get me because i needed to say  goodbye to my papi i couldn’t not  be there and i had to drive to probation at that time i had no other choice …  so i got out in time and that day he passed away and from my nan i never had a  chance to say good bye so i held my papi hand in the room by myself as he was   basically no breathing he was breathing every so often and i just held he’s hand  and told him i love him and I’m sorry and that i love my nan and they just told  me to tell her goodbye to so that’s what i did and i just couldn’t  understand things that was happening …then of course i went back to the same  things i was doing for years     THE  CHANGE years passed then my  grandma she kept our family together she never judge she was a believer she was  fine before her surgery after her surgery things went down hill with her  health she had cancer and she  over months you just saw such a lovely strong women who tried to be strong for  others start not being strong anymore.. she would always try and tell me to stop  drinking to stop worrying to stop what i was doing because she cared  but i couldnt i didnt know how but that was her wish for me to stop drinking an  smoking an running my life and worrying about others in the family that didn’t  love me she always said you have one that loves you and that’s enough you  cant help what others say about you the heck with am.. i always wished to be as  strong as her… she eventually passed away and that broke my heart and broke my  family as well we went to being close to not even talking now…  my mom took it hard so after her passing my parents decided to sell out house in Florida and we moved in 2016 to VA to start life over because Florida we were no  longer our happy place…. i was the 1st to get a job when we moved here  i told myself once i moved ima stop drinking whelp i started drinking daily again  and hanging out with a crowd up here that sold drugs and that was like my old  friends in Florida… after a year passed we were looking to move from an  apartment to a house/ trailer so we found one we liked online we called it ended  up being owned by a pastor i automatically was like nope.. but mom and dad  called and me an mom went and looked at it ..it was  nice I  wont lie but my  thoughts was like there going to judge me there going to say something if we do  get it about my drinking and smoking an etc… time passed we moved in nothing  was said they mentioned church there were extremely nice  but i was like ok but in back of my mind i was curious  but didn’t act on it.. months passed my dad and mom went they liked it they  invited me and i said no… then i saw a change in them and i was curious but i  was like good for them but imma continue to drink well a festival was  going on at church and the pastor was mowing the lawn outside our house an  caught me outside and just said hello and we got to talking and he invited me   and i said ok i would think about it because saying no to a  pastor lol i felt i couldn’t  do.. for some reason deep inside me it was wrong… well i got courage up and  went the next day or two i think it was and i went and just as i was getting  threw the morning service overwhelmed what people thought of  me nobody judged me …they  did an alter call and the pastor explained it because i didn’t know what a alter  call was i knew what last call was though but not no alter call… so once he  asked if anyone would like to come confess to the  lord there sins and etc. i  felt this feeling inside me to go like this inner voice im like……oh no in my  mind lol well i start moving and next thing you know i start walking down the  church isle in shame i had piercings in my nose in my  lip and in my eyebrows and i  was for sure someone was thinking something… but i just got to what they  called the alter and i felt this feeling and i just broke down and i just  started to cry and say sorry and please forgive me for  sinning and etc. and from that  moment i left from that alter my nose ring an lip ring came out and i finished  service and from that point on i left happy i left with joy…i couldn’t explain  it i was scared but felt different ….i felt trapped in the  devils trap for so long i felt i finally got broke free. Alcohol and drugs are  the essence of evil they supply you with a quick control but its false it lies  you  making you believe there is no way out making  you think the only way to  happiness in a broken world is through an alternate more enhanced reality those  days i spent in a daze i no longer can get back but the blood of Jesus redeemed  me and forgave me for my sins and now all that time  wastedi feel i owe it to the  lord.. yes I’m not perfect i have scares from the past but ive been sober for  8months i couldn’t do that you cant stay sober without the lords help. No  matter how far gone we think we’ve become there’s not a lost soul out there who can’t be saved by Jesus. No  matter how much we try to attain happiness nothing will give you absolute  happiness other then Jesus If your one of those people  who believes they don’t want  to be restrained to the laws of god, your only restraining yourself with a lie  from the devil. You will never be walking in truth not until you meet the  absolute truth. Since I’ve been following the lord my  problems didn’t disappear I’m still fighting a battle but I’m not alone..im fighting a spiritual warfare  because for so many years the devil had control of me he controlled me at my  weakest moments and for me to give myself to the lord and  still fight the good fight . i  feel soon the battle will be over because i rather fight the good fight then  fighting a fight with the devil that just hurts me more… sin is expensive and  since i was in so much sin i can now understand the  price of sin and what it cost  but with god on myside and friends that will pray with me and help me threw this  battle i believe in victory so if anyone else can get anything from this just  know there is a god and he loves us all no matter what we done in the dark  he is our light and will bring to light our darkest moments so we can stand in  faith and have the strength to pull others out the fiery pit the world gets us  sunk in 

[snsmissionaries]

4/23/19 -- Elder Braden Cowden, Argentina, Cordoba Mission

Week 43

This drink, I like it………ANOTHER!!!!!

 This has been the absolute best week of my mission. So many amazing and wonderful things have happened I cant start to explain it! I will put everything in bullet points so its easier and then itll be easier for me to remember them later on jaja :)

 -Tuesday after PDay ended, I had in the church building one of the most best, but worst, lessons I have been in with Lorenzo where I had to rely on my testimony to help him understand what we all know to be true. Honestly, I have a new perspective of the story in the last chapter of John where Jesus asks Peter three times if he really loves Him. I got to experience a portion of that story and it was one of the most intense lessons where the Spirit was so strong.

 -Wednesday we had District Meeting where my desire to be the Disciple that Jesus Christ needs me to be changed and deepened. It was a video on Youtube that I invite you to watch, even though its in Spanish jaja ;) We then ate empanadas in the Church as a Zone it was fun. Then upon returning to our area, we went to visit a family where we have talked to the mother and the children, but not at the same time, and it was always outside. As we walked up, we could see they were having company but that didnt stop me jaja. I "clapped" and luckily the visitor was just leaving and we were able to find the entire family, even the father, there at the house. To quickly sum it up, the Spirit was felt, testimonies and beliefs were strengthened, tears were shed, hugs were given, pictures were taken, and seeds to come unto Christ more were planted.

 -Thursday my companion had tramites which are basically the legal work that missionaries have to do in order to be in Argentina. So were there from 3 oclock in the afternoon until 7. So I had the opportunity to walk around Downtown Cordoba, talk to some people, Sight see, and have fun with some other elders while our companions were suffering ;)

 -Friday we had intercambios (exchanges) with the Zone Leaders and I really enjoyed it. I was with elder Pico (Ask me what that means another day) and we had such a great time. We even had the opportunity to drink hot chocolate and oh how i missed it!! I also got to reunite with a couple that I knew from my first day here in Argentina when i went to the temple! The mother is the Argentine Jill Bryce. If i ever get to see her again, i will take a picture with the family :)

 -Saturday was an entire day of visiting every investigator and inviting them to church. We were able to get three promises!

 -Sunday was great as always. Although nobody showed up to church, I learned the importance of caring about every lamb. And to leave the 99 and go and find the 1 that is missing, because it matters. Oh how it has importance!!! I also ate really delicious Locros for Lunch!

 -Monday was also a pretty normal day helping peoplpe come unto Christ and setting a date with the mother of the family we taught on Wednesday to do her family history work today! She has a desire to do find her family and her real parents as she knows nothing as of right now and it was literally the first thing she asked us if we could help her with! DING!!! Tonight we are going to talk about the importance of temples and why we have them and how we can do ordaninces for our ancestors on the other side of the veil. We also got to teach Sara.... dear Sara... and also her older sister and her friend last night. We were accompanied by Diego (Diper) who is preparing to serve a mission. Sara has had interest in the church and has already came to church. I have had a very tough lesson that i have learned about the people that God puts in our way who are prepared to recieve the truth. And when we dont do it, Oh how we need tio repent! So i was determined to do everything i can to help Sara come unto Christ and i was not going to lose her. SOOOO On Sunday as we were heading to lunch from the chuuch in the bus and were with some members.... Sara happened to just walk on and sit down on the other side of the bus in front of some members. They started talking and I could see that there was a seat open next to her. So, Being the sly guy I am, I graciously got up out of my seat, offered it to a lady nearby, and was standing in the bus. Just after 30 seconds, one of the hermanos told me, "Elder Sit Down." (Yes, he spoke english, although it was a bit rough:) So I sat down next to Sara and started up a conversation. I then set an appointment for Monday night and that was that!  But anyways, we went to Saras house and They invited us in and to tell you only a little of a sacred experience, every single one of us at one point were crying.  It was amazing!

 -Tuesday (Today) We had the opportunity to go to the temple and I have never had an experience inside the temple like the one i had today. I cant put it into words... but the temple is the House of the Lord and it is Holliness to Him! I love the temple and it is the most spiritual, clean, best place on this earth! I testify of that!

 I love you all and until next time

 Elder Cowden=

[survivor-guyana]

Episode 10 - "If the votes aren't Unan1mous, I'm going to die." - Maynor

what the fuck kind of alliance votes out two of my closest allies two rounds in a row, and doesn't even tell me their concerned or trusts me with their opinion.

alyssa and jess. jsyk.

Well, being completely blindsided doesn't feel good. I just want to make sure that I'm safe moving forward, and I'm feeling very upset about how this just went over. I'm so pissed at Jess and Alyssa for not saying anything. And even Aidan. Fucking Aidan said nothing. I need to look at this situation positively, but I honestly don't know what to do right now.

I guess I need to find a way to strike against Jess/Alyssa/Devon because they are the power trio right now... I just hate doing it because I love all three of them, but if I want any chance of winning at all, I kind of need to do that.

I probably need to start by making sure I have Aidan and Dani with me. Chelsea being on the wrong side and talking with me helps, and then I need to solidify my relationship with Jones and Maynor.

Maybe with all of those combined, I have a chance.

So tonight I fucked up harder than I EVER HAVE FUCKED UP IN A GAME BEFORE (and that's saying something). I've been going through a rough patch the last week and have probably gotten a total of 15 hours of sleep since Friday???? When I was on call with Devon/Alyssa I read something out loud Jones sent me and it mentioned the whole alliance with Alyssa/Jones. I'm hoping I fucking mumbled but Alyssa understood me so DEVON KNOWS. I attempted to play it off but I DON'T know. I just don't fucking know. I'm dumb. I feel dumb.

I'm just trying to build trust with people at this point. I feel like my game fell apart fucking HARD this round. I cracked at final 10. FINAL FUCKING 10. I'm not trying to get DOWN on myself but low-key this is probably why I don't win games lmfao.

I told Alyssa about the idol so I'm hoping this is a sign of trust. I don't know how I 1000% feel about telling her but here goes nothing I guess?

I was in a pretty decent position going into this round and then....until I literally set fire to the rain and fucked shit up.

My relationship with TJ took a hit. That's not going to be good in the future. My relationship with Maynor took a hit. That's not going to be good in the future. My relationship with Chelsea is fucked (but did we ever have any type of working relationship, not really). My relationship with Devon probably took a hit because of my own stupidity. My relationship with Alyssa took a hit when I was sipping on dumb bitch juice. My relationship with Jones is still a major question mark? My relationship with JD is as stable as I am currently and that's saying SOMETHING?

THAT'S LITERALLY ALMOST EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING GAME WHO HAS SOME SORT OF ISSUE WITH ME?

Literally the only two people I didn't piss off or give reason to hate me is Dani/Aidan... and that's.... just fucking sad.

I destroyed my game and that's on me.

Time to pick up these pieces somehow and make them FIT.

Here is a Haiku about my game:

My game is a mess. I messed it up real bad. Jumping of a bridge.

okay so,,, I talked to Alyssa and Jess,,,,,,, and I understand,,,,,, like 80% where they're coming from? Jess told me she and Alyssa flipped because they didn't realize TJ and I came to them and said JD said Jess' name?? Jess went to JD and she said that Tim was the one who threw Jess' name out,,,,, and like,, they couldn't take my word for it when I said I trusted Tim, WHICH I UNDERSTAND that they didn't trust tim, but the fact that I told them how i felt and they just didn't listen to me bothers me.

like,, imagine this scenario,, would you take the testimony of someone who's in your alliance (albeit with some ulterior motives, but still in the alliance) and told their alliance (95% of) the truth,,, or someone who is never online and had been stirring up chaos and drama and was spewing shit this entire day just too keep their self safe? just answer that in the comments below thank you xoxo

so now that Alyssa and Jess know what happened on my end, and I know what happened on their end, we're both in agreement that JD has to FUCKING GO!!!! Tim was fucking robbed, i'm so espresso depresso you have no idea i'm so sad that Tim's gone. what a king,,, the creator of Jones' angels,,,,, robbedt,,,,,

we're rebranded as Tim's Angels btw jsyk <3

but ummm this fucking Unan1mous thing???? more like fucking BOOnan1mus amirite ladies hahahahahah ha h hah ah  um,,, hmm that joke sucked i'm so sorry. SO okay yeah,, Alyssa/Jess/TJ/Maynor agreed they'd vote for JD, and that they'd try to get the rest of the numbers to work for JD, BUT the problem is that if ANY ONE PERSON DOESN'T VOTE UNAN1MOUSLY,,,, they're safe. so we gotta get /everyone/ on board with this. hopefully Chelsea won't want to have like,,, revenge against Alyssa/Jess/Devon or anything sksksks

but ummmm let's hope for the best? I gotta get to school at 6:00 am and it's 2:00 am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it's snoozeville for me. catch you on the flipside :p

I hashed things out with Devon last night because I was so pissed off about the vote, but I still have a lot of trust to rebuild. When i mentioned my name going around, Devon, Alyssa, and Jess knew that my name wasn't out there and still didn't let me in on the Tim vote. I was completely alone and had to make an alliance with the others out of desperation and tbh, i think I look like an idiot. But anyway, i think Devon and i are on good terms and I hope we can rekindle our old team that i was loyal and comfotable with since the beginning.

This might be a long one Johnny. I am so sad that Tim went home. I was shocked. I thought i was able to trust Jess, Alyssa, Devon but they all lied and now to me personally are dead to me. Like im still going to work with them until i have an opporunity to strike against them. Like Alyssa she’s great but now has to leaving sooner than later. Devon final 2 is dead, i would gladly vote you out but have to time it really well. Dani m Aidan dead even more but seems like they are worried about Alyssa Jess and Devon so might use them to take out Alyssa. But yeah last night was rough. I had this ‘thing’ happened to be that was triggered by this game and my class lab. It wasnt good. There was a dark low moment were i got a negative thought that I should just tell them to vote me out for unanimous week. My friend texted me and told me to think it thru and Im glad i didnt day anything. I still want to play and try to make it to the end. Only person i trust 100% with out a doubt is Jonesy. ❤️ Everyone else can leave. Except i also like TJ amd Jess.

I'm not sure where my vote will land tonight. If I vote JD, I lose a shield in this game. At the same time, if JD goes tonight in a 9-1, we start to build trust among those we previously blindsided.

If I make it an 8-2 or 8-1-1, then I'm worried that people will use the process of elimination to find out I flipped....

Another random note about tonight. If JD stays due to me, the next target becomes Chelsea.

Essentially, I am deciding between playing with Chelsea or JD....

Everyone is saying JD’s name like lets do this. But now everyone is afaid of an idol and i swear if the votes aren’t unanimous, im going to die.

If I get idol'd out in this format I AM FUCKING SUING.

I CAN'T GO OUT ON MY FIRST TUMBLR ORG IN A ROUND BASED ON A ZWOOPER GAME.

HOW FUCKING IRONIC WOULD THAT BE?

YOU WILL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER!

In all honesty I'm struggling hard this round. Idol's are so dangerous this fucking round. SO FUCKING DANGEROUS.

The mental gymnastics happening this round is insane.

I'm honestly having PTSD about this god damn format. The ONLY time I've ever cried because of a game was IN THIS FORMAT (thanks JOHNNY).

Today all I've done is try and repair relationships. I've worked harder than a hooker on a Tuesday today. I am exhausted. If I go this has been fun-ish.

I feel fuckig awful i worked too hard in this game to potentially get idoled out and that breaks my heart that that could happen tonight. apparently JD is writing down my name because she thinks i'm "Stubborn" and she wants to save me???? like if you wanna save me then like maybe don't vote for me?????? like i get the intent behind it with like,,,, the idea to save me but this is fuckin wit hme to my c ore . .Jess thinks JD's ly ing ad that she's voting for Jess, I just,,, fuck i really wanna die right noww yk i think i might be getting out there's like a 60% chance JD doensn't have an idol, and if she's comfortable enough then she wont play it. but there's a good chance I'll be going home. fukfalkdsfajsdads don't be surprised if i cry i'm just so upsetti/uncomfortable with the idea of going hope i tried too hard but um yeah

Wellp I’m really close with Aidan and so far I feel like we are doing really good. I feel bad because I lied straight to JDs face about voting jonesy. Instead I voted for her.

I'M DEFINITELY NOT CRYING OR ANYTHIGN FUCK

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

//siblings bein’ siblings :’)

-

boy theyre really piling on the dick with roger. and yet, it somehow feels kinda forced. not quite as goofy-forced as ‘matt swirl my brandy and show off my scratched eye engarde’ but still... 

he’s so obnoxious that i wanna hold up a hand like “chill, chill, youre the villain, you dont have to try so hard. yeesh.”

-

In spite of everything, it's still (Tr)u(cy)

-

Did Godot also ghost write the gramarye creed?? We didn't need this man 

-

I love that she's "magical girl Trucy"

-

That is a HUGE ASS SWORD. Trucy must be ripped to balance that shit with one hand 

-

(Cries) the judge bravo’d her my heart

And Apollo asks her to be careful I fhfhfhggg 

-

JUDGE! Don't call her a butt!! - Bonny: a fan of mine took some footage of the me in the show. It's kind of creepy but it might help.

Me: ok well it can't be any creepier than the normal show footage which focuses on her quite a bit anyway---

(Footage is shot from backstage)

Me: BODYGUARD. DEMAND A BODYGUARD IN UOUR NEXT CONTRACT.DO NOT PERFORM WITHOUT ONE.

-

"What a waste of time"

I know, sadmad, it is a waste of time hinting And blabbing on when the contradiction is SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS

-

To this games credit, I actually looked thru the footage to check for the edit and it's actually there. You can see the screen skip ever so slightly. I mean it's a little improbable that Trucy was still in the same position after twirling but that's a neat little detail. Not bad, SOJ, not bad at all.

- (Snerk) sexy pan up shot for mr retinz

- I know everyone loves the 'what's crackalackin homie" line but it stinks of pandering to me

It's like mr grossberg saying his hemerhoids were doing the Harlem shake. But I don't even think they were referencing the meme back then.

Also something about the way they write Nahyuta feels like the equivalent of a foreign character saying "it is-- 'ow you say..."

-

Burger barn sounds like the shittiest restaurant on earth. I wonder if it was the Ramen Ranch in the Japanese version...

-

"It's pretty long so I'll just show you the part with.." OHHH NO. We learned our lesson in dual destinies. We watch ALL the footage, damn it.

-

That must be Trucy! ... Six seconds after she runs in the opposite direction, also shown rising up into the rafters. ‘kay. Sounds legit. Prosecutor sadmad, please call me a moron and threaten more insignificant reincarnations...

-

"It threatens to disrupt the karmic course of this case" You mean it's so bullshit that you're obviously going to lose, right? It's ok, you can just come right out and say it. Nobody will mock you.

-

huh. retinz just called sadmad ‘pretty boy’

gee whiz guess theyre gay for each other now. c’mon fandom work your magic.

-

I'm starting to really not know what the victim’s last rights actually are. could you be a lil more clear on that sadmad

-

“My OBJECTION.... is NOT FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT!!!”

but it sure is for mine [snicker]

also gr8 excuse there, roger

-

“every industry has its own way of doing things, just as we in the legal profession focus exclusively on evidence and testimony’

really? for some reason i thought you were more interested in The Magic Pool and The Screams of the Condemned.

-

i can see theyre trying to write sadmad funny but its just not.... funny???

even with roger’s obnoxious persona i find him funnier. his texting sprite is hilarious. he just looks so fuckin pleased with himself.

-

Lang Zi says... Nahyuta needs a different schtick.

-

( well this numbskull has a thick skin, so there )

-holds back tears-

-

phoenix, drunkenly, from the gallery: DEAD PERSON... PUNISHING SOMEONE THROUGH A SURVIVING FAMILY MEMBER..? APOLLO GEDDOWN THE FUCKIN GHOS’S ARE COMING AAAHHH

-

“not bad for a shitty soap opera twist”

yeesh, that was a very sudden bout of self-loathing from the writers.

-

poor manov. somehow i feel more sad about his death than the entirety of the victims in DD (apart from Clay that is)

i mean he was just some magician tryna make it big.

-

(sigh) they tried to do the ‘are you high’ joke again and yet they still dont understand what made it funny in the first place.

-

“Strange are the karmic threads before me...”

is that Koorahneese for ‘shit, I'm losing!!’

-

NOW I FEEL EVEN WORSE FOR MANOV

-

i love when villains do that thing where it’s obviously fucking them and a jury would haul their ass to jail in 2 seconds but since it’s the bench trial system theyre like :3c I'm not admitting to anything! I just revealed something incriminating and suspicious as fuck but since my name isn’t carved into it you cant punish me~~~

im not being sarcastic either, at this point its just funny 

-

apollo: AHH, HOW DID YOU READ MY MIND?!

roger must have assistant’s blood in him; all of them can do it 

-

ohhhh. ohhh. i think. i see how he did it. if so, shit bro; that’s fucked up. but actually a pretty good sneaky murder method, with some pretty good foreshadowing that really stuck in my mind. 

Not bad, SOJ. Not bad at all.

-

‘do you think the audience will let you get away with the twins schtick twice in a row?’

alright writers, your self deprecation is making me a little uncomfortable now.

-

i like picturing manov’s soul sitting on he judge’s head.

“could you hurry it up? I'm tired of listening to butterfly over there banging on about last rights. i just wanna see retinz get his ass kicked.”

-

wait did i completely miss something 

what the fuck is with the random tuna boat joke

did i miss a reference to it before

is it a joke on turnabout: tuna-boat ??

-

hang on. is this a half-case? 

they did this in dual destinies with the two last ones. i guess they can’t fit five full cases into a game after all... for some reason.

-

i was right! well done. thats a well written twist. anyway, most importantly:

IM STILL CRYING OVER MANOV. HE DIDNT DESERVE THIS

-

as much as i appear to like ragging on these games, i really hope the rest of the cases are as good. 

-

sadmad: you f––

writers: [shake heads vigorously and make cut-throat motions]

sadmad: ..! ..uhh... [opens up a thesaurus] dim-witted... ignorant... imbecilic?

writers: [nod and sigh in relief]

sadmad: putrid red pepper. 

-

“just some good old fashioned logic”

oh look at that they just admitted the ‘rethinking the case” mechanic is just an off brand logic rip-off.

-

wow that was the most over-the-top prosecutor breakdown I've ever seen. how did that even work? physically, i mean

maybe the soul butterfly is getting its revenge

-

NOO!!! NOT VALANT!!!

also holy shit that was one helluva hallucination. I'd like to think Magnifi was responsible from beyond the grave for one last feat in dickery. 

-

Trucy’s absolutely right and murder is 99% never justified, but Magnifi is heavily implied to be a bag of dicks. 

-

“Wow trucy, i never knew that being the best could be so tough good for your dating life’

-

“do you think I'm a naive greenhorn?” “No, she's not...”

don't use the ‘smile in spite of everything’ thing, don't use the ‘smile in spite of everything’ thing, don't use the ‘smile in spite of everything’ thing––

Ff fffffuuuuck

god dAMNIT

what is japans obsession with smiling thru shitty times??? its, like, ok to cry when you feel down, you know? its admirable to be strong in times of distress but your worth isn't based solely on how well you can pretend not to feel like shit

why not present that quick-ass thinking she did to get around Bonny’s mistake? THAT is the mark of someone who’s ready to be on stage. somebody who’s ready for any eventuality; that’s the mark of a clever performer. she kept a cool head and let the show go on; thats impressive!!!

get this shoe-horned in shit outta my face.

-

alright alright... theyre trying to have an emotional moment between siblings. ill calm down... for now.

-

Apollo: You’ve really changed Edge––– eh h I mean, Nahyuta.

Nahyuta: fuck you. 

-

trucy: you don't like to talk about your past, do you? because you always change the subject!

apollo: its not so much that i don't like to talk about it as that it’s constantly being rewritte––– 

[shotgun cocking sound from capcom]

apollo: I-ITS PARTY TIME, ITS PARTY TIME, EVERYBODY’S GETTIN DOWN BECAUSE ITS PARTY TIME

-

phoenix: you're a full fledged lawyer, apollo

apollo: aww gee thanks

phoenix: do you know the definition of full-fledged, in the bird world

apollo: uh

phoenix: it means they fly the coop. leave the nest. go to a completely different country, shall we say

apollo: ah

phoenix: just putting that out there apropos of nothing.

-

PHOENIX TALK TO YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER. CHRIST. shit. sigh.

-

apollo is now fucking dead, and living up to the title “Spirit of Justice”

[love-god-forever]

After My Son’s Sudden Heart Attack, Who Can Keep Him Alive?

By Zhongshi

Hovering Between Life and Death After a Medical Emergency

The evening of October 5, 2017, my youngest son Xunxun and his family came to my place for dinner, just like always, and afterward Xunxun went to the school to teach a class. A little after 8:00 p.m.

 my daughter-in-law called and said hastily, “Mom, Xunxun’s been taken to the hospital!” I was shocked, and rushed to ask: “He was totally fine when we had dinner just now. How could he suddenly be in the hospital?” Before I could finish she hurriedly hung up the phone.

I couldn’t help but feel panic rising in my heart. My son had just eaten more than a bowl of food and hadn’t mentioned feeling unwell—how could he suddenly be hospitalized? It occurred to me that he had had heart surgery before—could there be something wrong with his heart again? If it was a recurrence of his heart condition, that would really not be a good thing. I was burning with anxiety and wanted to go to the hospital to see him, but I didn’t even know which hospital he was in. What could I do? I thought and I thought, and then called my oldest son, plus my daughter and her husband—only then did I learn that they had already been to the hospital, but no one wanted to tell me about my son’s condition. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became. Standing or sitting, I couldn’t get comfortable—I was at a loss. In my desperation, I thought of God and rushed to kneel down and pray: “Oh God! My son has been suddenly hospitalized and I’m so worried for his safety. I don’t know what Your will is, but I believe that You have allowed this to happen. I don’t know what I should do now. Please protect me and allow me to quiet my heart!” After praying, I thought of God’s words, “The fate of man is controlled by the hands of God. You are incapable of controlling yourself: Despite always rushing and busying about for himself, man remains incapable of controlling himself. If you could know your own prospects, if you could control your own fate, would you still be a creature?” That’s it! God is the Lord of creation and every single person’s fate is within His grasp. We are created beings; not only can we not control our own fates, but we particularly cannot control others’ fates. Since my worry and anxiety was useless and my son’s life or death was in God’s hands, all I could do was put him in God’s hands. When I thought of that my heart settled considerably.

Two hours later when my youngest son’s wife came back home with my daughter’s son to get some things, I asked them about my son’s condition. Tears welled up in her eyes and she said to me comfortingly: “It’s nothing. You stay here at home; we’re there for him in the hospital!” She then hurriedly grabbed some of my son’s clothing and personal items, getting ready to drive back. I thought to myself: What really is wrong with my son that they are keeping me in the dark? I insisted that they take me with them. On the way, my daughter-in-law received a call from my oldest son, who was at the hospital. All I could hear was her saying anxiously: “Hm? Why is his heart beating that fast?” A bit later she said with a worried look on her face: “What? There’s no heartbeat now?” From her words I could tell that my son’s condition was probably very serious. If his heart wasn’t beating, at any time couldn’t he…. I didn’t dare think any further, nor did I dare ask my daughter-in-law any more questions. My heart was tied in knots and I was thinking: “My son is still so young, and his son is just five years old. If something were to happen to him, how would we get by? Considering all of this was deeply upsetting. I fought to hold back my tears and prayed to God in my heart nonstop, asking Him to watch over me so I could stand firm in such a situation and not sin with my words. We arrived at the hospital soon after.

God’s Words Display His Mightiness, My Son Is Revived

When I got to my son’s bedside, I saw that he was unconscious, his face was pale, he had an oxygen tube in his nose, and ECG electrode clips on his hands and feet. There were several doctors and professors surrounding the ECG machine tensely watching its display. They would occasionally shake their heads and show a look of consternation. Two of the leaders from his school were also off to one side having a discussion in low tones, and I vaguely heard them say: “It was so scary when he collapsed, it looked like he wasn’t even breathing….” Seeing the look of helplessness on the doctors’ face was very disconcerting for me, and then when I looked at my son in the hospital bed, utterly unaware of anything, an indescribable wave of panic welled up in my heart. I was afraid that my son might be gone in the blink of an eye—wouldn’t I be a parent burying her child? The more I thought about it the more pain I felt, so I rushed to make a silent prayer to God: “Oh God! I don’t know whether my son is going to live or die—I’m really struggling. God! May You safeguard my heart, and no matter what happens, may You give me faith so that I can stand witness and not complain. I only wish for my son to be in Your hands, and to submit to Your arrangements.” During the prayer, I suddenly remembered that God said: “Of everything that occurs in the universe, there is nothing that I do not have the final say in. What exists that is not in My hands?” God’s words bolstered my faith. It’s true! God does have the final say over life and death, and my son was also in His hands. All of my worries stemmed from not believing in God’s rule. I generally talk about how I’m okay with whatever situation God may set up and that it’s all His benevolent will, but when I saw my son so ill, all I could think of was fretting over his condition. I hadn’t quieted myself before God to seek His will. When I realized this, I called out to God continually within my heart.

I thought of a hymn of God’s words, “While undergoing trials, it’s normal for people to be weak, or have negativity within them, or to lack clarity on God’s will or their path for practice. But in any case, you must have faith in God’s work, and not deny God, like Job. Although Job was weak and cursed the day of his own birth, he did not deny that all things in human life were bestowed by Jehovah, and that Jehovah is also the One to take it all away.”

Pondering God’s words, I thought of the great trials that Job went through in which his wealth and his children were all taken from him, but he never lost faith in God. He said, “Jehovah gave, and Jehovah has taken away; blessed be the name of Jehovah” (Job 1:21). This was his testimony. But there I was afraid of losing my son and incredibly hurt when the doctors still hadn’t come to a conclusion—I just saw that their expressions seemed off. How could that be faith in God? I realized I had to follow the example of Job and be able to have genuine faith in God. No matter what the outcome of my son’s condition, I could not grumble about it. Encouraged by God’s words, I felt that I had gained strength and faith. I called out to God, and then carefully sat down by my son’s side and gently called his name a few times. Seeing him finally have some response, very slowly opening his eyes and looking at me, my heart rejoiced and rushed to ask him, deeply concerned, “Are you feeling a bit better?” He nodded, sighed, and then weakly pointed at his chest and said: “It hurts … in my chest.” He then lost consciousness again.

A little while later I heard a doctor say with surprise: “Come look at this! His heart rate and blood pressure have normalized! Everything is normal!” The whole family crowded around—everyone was very happy. Seeing His mercy and protection, I gave thanks to God over and over again in my heart. It was God’s words that gave me true faith, allowing me to understand God’s mightiness and authority in ruling over everything. I said excitedly: “Man’s fate is determined by the heavens. This is truly thanks to God!” The doctor in charge added to that: “That’s right. God really is the One to thank. It’s fortunate that the patient got here in time after his myocardial infarction. If it had been half an hour later, the outcome would have been terrible. A little bit ago his heart completely stopped—I never imagined that he would miraculously come back to life. However, his condition is not stable. He has to stay in the hospital for monitoring.” My son was then transferred to the Intensive Care Unit; only his wife stayed behind to take care of him, while the rest of us went home.

The moment I walked in the door I rushed to kneel down and offer up a prayer of thanks to God. I was full of gratitude. At my most helpless time God was always by my side leading me and spurring me on with His words, giving me faith and something to lean on. I felt that God’s love really is so great.

His Condition Fluctuates and God Once Again Shows His Wondrous Deeds

A week later, the doctor in charge told us: “Testing has revealed a sarcoma on the patient’s heart that will require two surgeries. The first is to excise the sarcoma, and then we need to implant a pacemaker. You need to get 200,000 yuan together right away—if this is delayed, his life could be in danger.” I felt very tense hearing that my son was still in mortal danger. In my anxiety, I once again prayed to God: “Oh God! I believe that You rule over everything. At this moment there’s nothing I can do—I can only rely on You. I put my son entirely into Your hands, and I am willing to rely on my faith and experience Your work.” My oldest son and my younger son’s wife went all over the place raising money and before long, they had come up with the required amount. When my son was examined again in preparation for surgery, the doctor said that his condition was complex plus he was very weak; he would need to be very carefully nursed back to health and then transferred to a large specialist hospital for surgery. He wrote some prescriptions and then had my son discharged to recuperate at home.

After a period of care my son’s health had improved somewhat. The day he went to the specialist hospital, his wife came back and told me that they had scheduled surgery for the next day at 11:00 a.m. That evening, I offered up another prayer to God: “Oh God! My son is undergoing surgery tomorrow. It’s a very risky procedure, but please give me faith and courage. I believe that whether it’s a success or a failure, my son’s surgery is in Your hands. I believe that everything You do is good. Whatever the outcome tomorrow is, I am willing to submit and I will not complain. I am willing to stand witness and satisfy You” After praying I no longer felt worried or afraid; I had faith and strength to face my son’s surgery the following day.

The next day, my son was wheeled into the operating room right on time while we, his family, were all outside anxiously waiting. While waiting, I turned God’s words over and over in my mind, thinking of God’s love, and before I knew it two hours had gone by. A doctor suddenly said my son’s name, calling for us. Flustered, we all rushed over to him, and he said with emotion: “We’ve never seen anything like this. Today this really has been a wonder! In our pre-surgical examination we found that there was nothing at all wrong with the patient. We couldn’t believe it so we did another careful examination, and that also showed that everything is normal. After discussing it, we decided that there’s no need for surgery. He’ll be fine if he just goes back home and gets lots of rest.” Hearing this, we were all stunned for a moment—it took us ages to come to our senses. I just saw my daughter-in-law happily clapping her hands and saying: “That’s wonderful! From now on, not only will Xunxun not have to suffer, but it will save us 200,000 yuan!” At that moment I was the only one who clearly realized that this was God’s mightiness, this was God’s love. In my excitement, the words “Thanks be to God!” came out of my mouth. I didn’t know how to express what I felt—all I could do was thank God over and over in my heart: “Oh God! You have given me faith and strength time after time through Your words, giving me the ability to stand firm through this situation. Now my son’s condition has miraculously disappeared. Your love for us is so great!”

After going back home, I kneeled down before God to offer up a prayer of gratitude. Afterward, I saw this passage of God’s word, “Life can only come from God, which is to say, only God Himself possesses the substance of life, there is no way of life without God Himself, and so only God is the source of life, and the ever-flowing wellspring of living water of life. … Man’s life originates from God, the existence of the heaven is because of God, and the existence of the earth stems from the power of God’s life. No object possessed of vitality can transcend the sovereignty of God, and no thing with vigor can break away from the ambit of God’s authority. In this way, regardless of who they are, everyone must submit under the dominion of God, everyone must live under God’s command, and no one can escape from His control.” God’s words tell us with absolute clarity that He is the source of all life, that all things on heaven and earth—both animate and inanimate—are not exempt from His rule. Only God is the foundation of our lives as humans, and all things are changed and renewed under His control and His rule. This is a manifestation of God’s authority. I thought of how my son had pulled through crisis after crisis since falling ill, and how time after time the doctors’ conclusions had not panned out. Through adversity it was God’s words that had given me faith time after time giving me something to lean on, allowing me to overcome weakness again and again. When I had faith in God I saw His wondrous deeds—my bedridden son, at his last gasp, miraculously regained his health.

I truly experienced that God rules over and controls everything through this experience. If it hadn’t been for the guidance of His words as well as His grace and protection, no matter how much money we had or how skilled the doctors were, that could not have saved my son. I give thanks to God that, through my son’s illness, I gained understanding of God’s rule and understood that our future and fate are entirely within His hands. From now on I wish to put everything into cooperating with God and fulfilling the duty that a created being ought to in order to repay God’s love!

[amyelizabeth1986-blog]

A testimony ❤️🙌🏼

When we receive salvation, we are on a spiritual high, full of vigour and on fire, almost like a honeymoon period. I didnt want to hear it when people told me that it wouldn't last, to enjoy it while it lasted.To calm down and pace myself. I wanted to feel like that forever. I have never felt so complete, so utterly fulfilled in every aspect of my being. I felt like I was unstoppable. I knew where I had come from, I knew where God had led me out from, I knew just how much I had been delivered from because the Holy Spirit touched me in the core of my very being, He had set my heart alight so that nothing hurt anymore and everything made sense.

Then life threw up some pretty difficult situations and circumstances for me and I very slowly started to slip back into old patterns of behaviour and became more open to things that once ensnared me. I felt shame, I felt discredited, I felt under condemnation, I would go as far to say as I hated myself for how I felt I had fallen so short. Because I was so 'on fire' for God I felt all eyes were on me as I 'fell from grace' Some stuck by me, some distanced themselves from me and in turn I distanced myself from everybody else.

I felt like, if I am dishonouring God like this even though I cannot help myself, I cannot bear to be around His people or fellowship with them or with Him. I turned my heart away from Him and decided to go back to my old way of living, giving up all hope I could ever 'get right' with Him again.

It was too damn hard living a Christian life, I thought I had been set free yet here I was facing even harder challenges in life than ever before! I yearned for my ignorance before I knew the truth. Here I was, my resolve set on going back to my old life yet I couldnt actually 'enjoy' myself.

I had this niggling feeling in my heart that I wanted to fellowship with my Father. A deep sorrow that no matter how hard I to revert back to my old life with more and more manners of ungodliness in which I had once found some element of fulfillment albeit fleeting but now, none.

I felt so bad about myself because of how much I had been rejected in my old life by my own father and my childrens father I was deliberately attempting to live up to everyones expectation of me which was to fail and not be good enough and in turn hoping God would also throw the towel in and give up on me, that His people, my new Christian friends would see the 'real me' (which was the old me) and give up on me too. See that I was a fraud. That is what I had been doing all my life subconciously. Cultivating new friendships and new relationships and then pushing them away for self preservation.

I remember getting so frustrated with God, saying; 'I was better off not knowing You! This is too hard! Why did you come into my life to make it more difficult for me! Just leave me be and let me go back to my old life, I don't want this!'

I look back and feel saddened that I ever felt this way. I read Exodus this morning about the Israelites grumbling against Aaron and Moses; 'If only we had died by the Lord's hand in Egypt! (Exodus 16:3) Yes, that is exactly how I felt.

For the longest time, years, my life was spent yo-yoing between feeling seperated from God because my heart condemned me by my own ungodly actions and then 'coming back to Him' repenting and trying to live a more godly life, striving to please Him and live up to expectations, struggling to keep myself out of trouble and away from temptation.

It was exhausting. In both instances I always felt that I wasnt good enough. I looked at everybody else and couldnt understand why it was so difficult for me to keep up with how Godly they were. I think iI must have broken every single commandment AFTER receiving salvation.

The worst part about it is I knew that God had given me these gifts to bless His body and yet I was discredited because of my behaviour so it almost felt like my testimony was sprinkled with shame. It was like a smear campaign against God in me. What glory was I giving to Him?!

Then here is the manna that God sent;

'God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.' (2 Corinthians 5:21)

'The law was brought in so that trespass might increase. But where sin abounds, grace increased all the more.' (Romans 5:20)

'Therefore there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.' (Romans 8: 1-3) *And in fact, the whole of Romans 8*

'Therefore if anyone is in Christ the new creation has come;the old has gone, the new is here!' (2 Corinthians 5:17)

'So if the son sets you free, you are free indeed' (John 8:36)

'As far as the East is from the West so far has He removed our transgressions from us.' (Psalm 103:12)

'I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them from my hand. My Father who has given them to me is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of My Fathers hand. I and the Father are one.' (John 10:28-30)

and finally;

'...and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.' (John 8:32)

It is the truth that we know that sets us free. The more I focused on what the Word said about me and who I am in Him at the point of salvation, the less I did the things I did not want to do. The more I put my eyes on what God said about me and how He feels about me the more like Him I became by accident with no striving involved.

I realised the enemy has no power over me except the power I gave to Him. It is written that God's people perish through lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:6) and that is what was happening to me. The knowledge is the Word of God. The enemy was having a field day with me because I did not really know in my heart who I was in Him. When God looks at me, He sees me just as Hagar said; 'You are the God who sees me' (Genesis 16:13) yet He also sees His Son, who is righteous, in us, sin free.

God is always refining us with His 'refiners fire and launderers soap' (Malachi 3:2) so even though over the years I have felt that I was going to and fro between living a Godly life and not, each time I 'came back to the Lord' (which is what it felt like) I was less and less like the old version of myself. Even though I didnt understand the new birth and who I was, God was busy refining me all the while.

This time, it has been over a year since I had full heart knowledge of the above scriptures and I have never 'walked with the Lord' in one go as long as this. i have slipped up and behaved in an ungodly way during this time but instead of turning my heart away from Him I just come right back to the Word of God and confess the truth over myself and remind myself of who I am in Him and that there is no condemnation because I am in Christ.

God supplied the Isralites with manna and quail forty years in the desert until they reached the border of Canaan. That is when the wilderness years were over. The Lord has provided manna for us in His Word. When we eat it, it becomes engraved in us, etched onto our hearts. The Lord has given us every provision in His Word that we may ever need for this lifetime. it is when it becomes heart knowledge and not only head knowledge, when we have a revelation of the truth that we step over the border, not needing to wander in the wilderness any longer.

This is a true testimony of Gods grace, love and salvation in me, despite much opposition and much human failings on my part. He is faithful and true and no matter what man may think He has a plan and a purpose for everybody no matter what they have done or said or how backslidden they have become. There is still a place at His table for every one of His children. He is calling all His prodigals home. He says; 'Not by mighjt nor by power but by my Spirit!' (Zech 4:6) He says; 'Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be (are) white as snow, though they be red like crimson they shall be (are) as wool' (Isaiah 1:18) and to those that try and put any of His babes under the law and with it condemnation the Lord says; 'It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a milstone tied around their neck than to cause any of My little ones to stumble.' (Luke 17:2)

❤️

LET MY PEOPLE GO

[debora68u998074-blog]

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[hermanamason-blog]

5th December 2017

Hey Family!!! This week was incredible, I feel like there is never a bad week in the mission because we got that eternal perspective!! I loved holding divisions (exchanges) with the sisters in our zone this week, I love serving and loving them wholeheartedly. I feel like I am learning so much about myself as i do so! Upon talking with one of the sisters about why she decided to serve a mission and what her favourite thing about it is, we got talking about our lives beforehand and how so much has changed. We talked about how exhausted we are left at the end of the day. (These days, I literally collapse on my bed at 10:30 and dont move a muscle until 6:20 in the morning when we arise). But somehow we are so, so much happier than before. I have come to realise that it all has to do with one simple, yet life changing aspect: choosing to have an eternal perspective. I was thinking, for example, about how I used to drive (feels like a dream to me now haha) and getting so impatient with the other drivers! Or one time when I JUST bought a new makeup and mekhi smashed it on the floor....hahaha I testify that as we elevate our minds to higher thoughts, as we continually ponder during the day on our purpose here and now, and what our eternal goal is, the small, insignificant inconveniences that happen day to day will no longer have power to bring us down, to aggitate and bring contention in the home. I wanted to tell you about Marita last week, one of our investigators who is progressing, i dont know if i wrote you a few months back but when i first arrived in Ituzaingo I remember having a lesson with her just listening to her talk and talk about how angry she was with God for giving her a mute son, she just couldnt understand why it had to happen to her. I rmemeber thinking and feeling that she really wasnt ready to accept the gospel in her life, nevertheless we bore testimony and taught her how to pray to our Heavenly Father. (She'd received the elders years ago, but she told us when they taught her she didnt understand anything because they didnt know much spanish). So we left it at that, and then 2 sundays ago, about 5 months later as we were waiting out the front of the chapel for our investigators, she showed up. She explained how she has given up sundays at work so that she can come to church. That was a huge miracle in itself! So we passed by today to see how she is doing and she explained how ever since we taught her how to pray, not a day goes by that she doesnt offer a kneeling prayer to Heavenly Father, and just recently one of her sons, thanks to her fervent prayers, has found great employment! To me that was a huge sign that she was ready and truly humbled, she recognised God's hand in her life! We explained how God has so many more blessing in store for her and her family, she basically told us before we even dived into the lesson that she would get baptised to receive more blessings for her family! I love teaching her as she is truly humbled and has almost 0 knowledge of the Godhead and the nature of our Heavenly Father, we have been able to teach her some of the greatest truths! I felt like Aaron teaching king Limhi who truly said "I will believe all thy words" with a heart truly prepared to recieve the good word of God! So yes, marita agreed to enter the waters of baptism the 16th of december, HUGE tender mercy of the Lord, I am so grateful to have stayed in this area for long enough to see first hand how Heavenly Father works with his children and prepares their heats to recieve a greater portion of the word over time, it gives me a greater hope and assurety that all of the seeds i have helped plant, all of the crops that i have helped nurture, will someday in the own will and timing of the Lord, be ready for the harvest! Which just reminds me of a scripture in John 4:36-38 where Jesus shares with his disciples how the work of saving souls is made up of so many consecrated efforts "and he that reapeth receiveth wages, and gathereth fruits unto life eternal: that both he that soweth and he that reapeth may rejoice together, And hereion is that saying true, One soweth, and another reapeth. I sent you to reap that wheron ye bestowed no labour: other men laboured, and ye are entered into their labours". How amazing is the work of the Lord! Truly one eternal round! I love it. FUNNIES OF THE WEEK: We have seen so many miracles this week, both spiritual and temporal, one of which was particularly funny to me, the day i reached 13 months was a miracle literally though because i got hit by a car and lived! So we were walking towards one of our appointments and  we were stopped by a car full of guys (nothing out of the ordinary here in Argentina) who started yelling out "Oh so beautiful, hello!" in english, I tried to cross the road from behind the car but at the same time they reversed suddenly to try and get closer to us and in the process i got hit! BUT I lived! Haha another funny for the week, during divisions we were finding people to teach and a lady shuffling cards at a park bench caught my attention, we asked her what game she was playing and quickly found out that she was into this medieval fortune telling art (she charges 150 pesos per question) so we gave her a Book of Mormon and testified that it is in fact the word of God, with an amazinf promise, that all of our soul questions can be answered as we pray and study it! She was so grateful to receive it! And exctited to read, I hope it will move her to leave her witchcrafts in the past!   Ohhh we also put up our christmas decorations and put up our humble little christmas tree, we are so ready for christmas!!! We played volleyball and ping pong with the sisters and elders on P day even though we didnt have a net for volley it was still fun, despite what you guys may think, My auzzie accent is still going strong because the elders just couldnt undertsand me when i asked "Where's the rope?" they kept asking, Hna Mason, how do you say "rope" again?? hahaha. I love you all! I am always praying for your health and safety, both temporally and spiritually! Love Hermana Mason.